


Addams aren't Fools

by AnonEhouse



Series: Battling Coronavirus (varied fandoms) [11]
Category: Addams Family (TV 1964)
Genre: COVID-19, Crack Treated Seriously, Family Bonding, Gen, coronavirus stay at home
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:15:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23433010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: The Addams family has no problem handing the stay at home order.Grandmama and Uncle Fester even help other people realize the wisdom of obeying the order.
Relationships: Gomez Addams/Morticia Addams
Series: Battling Coronavirus (varied fandoms) [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1676572
Comments: 22
Kudos: 178





	Addams aren't Fools

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

"How do you spell 'pusstwolent buboes'?" Wednesday asked. She was sitting at the dining room table with her laptop, working on her online school lessons. "I'm comparing the coronavirus to the Black Plague. Everyone else is doing flu, and that's boring."

Morticia looked up from the face masks she was sewing for charity. She'd found a lovely length of fabric in the bargain bin, printed with wrestlers. She was particularly charmed by the one named 'The Undertaker'. "Pustulent buboes, darling. Isn't your spell-checker working?"

Wednesday wrinkled her nose. "Spell-check doesn't know 'pustulent'."

Morticia put down her shears and went over to Wednesday to type in the words.

Grandmama came into the kitchen, carrying her broom under one arm. Her face was made up in stark white, with huge black rings around her eyes. "It's a perfectly good word," she grumbled. "In my day, when you had scrumpox or chalkstones, you called it scrumpox or chalkstones. Modern education takes all the poetry out of disease." She shook her head.

"Yes, Mamma," Mortica said agreeably. "Oh, you're all dressed up! Are you going out? You know we're only supposed to go out for 'essential activities'."

"This is essential," Grandmama said. "I need exercise! I'm going to do a little flyby over the beach. It's a nice sunny day, full of idiots." She smiled. Her teeth were blacked out to points. "A little cackling never hurt anyone. Scare the rats back in their holes."

Uncle Fester popped up from the secret passage in the pantry. "Pet walking is allowed!" A very large vulture perched on his shoulder. "We're going to the beach too! Muerto loves to circle over people lying in the sand. It reminds him of the desert."

"He _is_ looking rather peaked," Morticia remarked. "But remember, he mustn't peck out any eyes- everyone must stay six feet apart."

"What if you have more than six feet?" Wednesday asked, while petting her spider. "Aristotle can't get coronavirus, can he?"

"No," Pugsley said, from across the table where he was doing his art homework. There were a lot of drawings of plague carts involved, with meticulous attention to perspective. "So far, only cats, dogs, orangutans, monkeys, ferrets and bats can get it." He looked thoughtful. "Maybe? They're not sure if people can get it from them, but they can get it from people."

"Oh, dear," Morticia said. She started drafting a new mask pattern, small enough for bats. 

"Is there a fancier word for 'armpits'?" Wednesday asked.

"Axilla," Morticia said automatically, while trying to decide how many pleats should be in a bat mask.

"TISH!" Gomez leaped into the room, and took her free hand to cover it with kisses. "That's French, Tish!"

"It's Latin," Pugsley said.

Gomez paused and looked up at Morticia. "Close enough." He resumed kissing.

"Can we go out and play?" Pugsley asked. "We need some sunshine for good health."

"Bah," Uncle Fester said, "Sunshine is bad for you. What you need is moonshine." He blinked and screwed up his mouth, apparently thinking hard. "I could set up my still in the back yard?"

"Wonderful idea, Fester!" Gomez said enthusiastically. "I used up the last batch to make flamethrowers for New Years!"

Morticia smiled. "I'm glad to see that we're all handing the stay at home order so well."

There was a loud roar from the basement.

Morticia gave Gomez a stern look. "Didn't you feed Kitty?"

"I was going to!" Gomez protested. "But a little old lady beat me to the last pack of steak at the grocery. She was SPRY," he said, admiringly.

"I could pick up a politician at City Hall," Fester offered. "No one would miss one."

"That's very considerate of you, Uncle Fester," Morticia said, "But politicians don't agree with Kitty. The last one gave him terrible gas."

"Omaha steaks sells meat online," Pugsley said. 

"Excellent!" Gomez said. "Order up a cow or two! I love the INTERNET! It's so much faster than sending homing pigeons."

"But not as tasty," Grandmama said. "You can't make internet pie."

"That's because most of it is half-baked," Fester said.

Even the vulture groaned at the pun.

**Author's Note:**

> I saw a vulture circling over my home a few minutes ago... not to worry, they come every year to stay in a nearby park.


End file.
